Ahhhhh memories, there I was sitting around minding my own business when all of a sudden it came to me. A mental image of giant praying mantis’s feasting on hapless victims, it could only be a flashback to the early 80′s when I bought a pack of 5 horror books for $2.00 or thereabouts.

One of the said books was called “Eat Them Alive” written by a still unknown author by the name of Pierce Nace. When I say “unknown” I mean it was a pseudonym and no one seems to know for sure who the real mastermind was.

Now I can hear you thinking, “but what about this book I read….” Forget it, no book you have ever read is this bad. None.

Here’s the short version….(don’t read any more if you have a weak stomach).

Theres this guy right, and he is a real bastard see, and him and his mates used to run around stealing stuff from people then chop them up a little right. Ok, one day while they are asleep the hero of our story steals the money from their latest robbery see, and his mad mates hunt him down and cut his balls off (as ya do).

Ok, now he is really pissed off, as ya would be, and lives pretty much in solitude on a small island. One day while he is fishing in a boat just off the island, he notices that the island is breaking up, and lo and behold, giant praying mantis’s come out of the ground and begin eating everyone.

Naturally, the hero (named Dyke as it happens), sees an opportunity to coerce these mantises into eating those who cut his balls off, and just about everybody else along the way.

He tames the largest of the beasts (which he names Slayer), by feeding natives from the surrounding islands to him, and he prevents himself from becoming the next meal by bathing in such vile smelling shit than no one can stand the smell, not even a mutant praying mantis!

Onwards the book meanders featuring such guffaw inducing lines as…

“Slayer clawed at the abdominal cavity, tearing it apart, wrenching the intestines and stomach from their hold on the man, chewing down the coils of intestines as if they were the greatest delicacy he had ever tasted”

“I wonder what it’s like to watch a beast eating a part of your body while you’re helpless to prevent the gruesome snack that you’re arm is providing. Well, he thought on, I’m right-handed. If Slayer bites off one arm, I’ll still have my best one.”

Unfortunately I no longer have this book and for accuracy I relied on this review, but I do seem to remember lines about guts hanging from the majestic maws of the mantis’s (or should that be “manti”?).

There is no real reason for this post, other than the thought occurred to me that this must surely be the worst book to ever make it to print.

I challenge any readers to find a better example of a bad bad book.